[Valid Atom 1.0] Life With Cake: Eating Disorder Blog: stomach, not hunger, pangs

Thursday, April 23, 2009

stomach, not hunger, pangs

The one thing that still plagues me is being able to feel my stomach. If you looked at me, you wouldn't think I'd have a reason to be as aware as I am about the area of space that exists between my sternum and hip bones. But I do.

It's not that I have excess fat rolls on my stomach, because I don't. But, because I'm a former professional dancer, I didn't have excesses of anything, whether it be skin or fat, until I was 28 years old. Just to prove to myself that I'm not as fat as I feel, I've spent much time standing in front of various mirrors taking pictures of myself with my iphone(of my backside, which makes aiming the camera a challenge). Every time, I'm shocked when my, seemingly, larger-than-life "love handles" are not as large as they feel.

The thing is that while I've come to accept my "healthy" self, I've yet to embrace how my healthier self feels when I put on fitted clothing, when I sit, and how it feels before, during, and after I eat.

I know, though, like everything else that has dissipated after I've practiced acceptance long enough, this will, too (I hope).

After all... why is it so bad to be able to feel my stomach? Where did I learn that it wasn't okay?


Silly Girl said...

I am still dealing with a similar situation. After so many years of not eating, I have a healthy stomach. Some days, it's hard but I am proud that I am recovering. I found your blog by chance and love it.

Heather Heaton said...

I am so glad I found this blog! I was looking for someone anyone who would understand my battle and it is so nice to know that there are other women who are fighting everyday just like me! I hate this curse and I want to beat it so bad, but I can't do it on my own I need encouragement,and that is what I found here. thank you

Hunter said...

I am shocked to read a description of what I struggle with each and every day. I am a recovering anorexic, and it's not necessarily by choice, although it should be. The fact that my once-flat stomach now has more than just tightly pulled skin is absolutely horrifying to me.

Anonymous said...

I am working towards becoming a ballet dancer, but I am curious to know how much pressure you faced to be thin while dancing professionally?